I have been on hiatus regarding my blog posts ever since the last three posts I managed to pen down especially during 2018. The truth is, I recently got a job as an Internal Auditor on New Year’s Eve and I am still in my probation period. So I sincerely apologize for my slackness in keeping my blog posts ticking every now and then.
So to make it up for my readers, I feel I should share something which I have barely disclosed to anyone and it is to my belief it will help me communicate with my readers in a better way as well as to influence those who aspire prosperity in their lives and also make me feel less burdened in my mind.
Every now and then I am always asked this question- “Do you have a girlfriend?”
I answer them, “No.”
“Have you been through any relationship?”
I solemnly answer, “No.”
“What do you mean? Like at high school, college or University, or even at work, no one managed to grab your attention.”
I shrug saying, “I guess not.”
While this question isn’t the same as being smitten by someone’s beauty because I described in this post how I got struck by someone’s look which induced me to make a needless purchase, rather the primal idea of these questions is more like whether I was ever with someone whom I supposed to be my ideal type or more specifically- whether I have found my ideal type.
If I say “No,” I would be both lying and being honest at the same time and if I say “Yes,” I will be doing the same as well. So what is the “actual truth”, in the first post. Carry on reading and you will be amused about what I am going to disclose about myself.
When I was in Kindergarten, I was a prey of constant bullying and abuses. The kids in my class made me feel as if I was dumb, someone unfitting for this world; someone who didn’t belong to this world. Often at times, I believed their words and would wish it was best for me if I was dead, thinking that the world would be a better place if I was dead.
Then during our final year of Kindergarten, as we were preparing to take our steps next year to a new grade, a new girl transferred. I was always a shy person during that time, barely talking to anyone around me. But somehow this particular girl took interest in me saying how incredible I was since I had a sense of doing the right things, she told me that I was destined to be someone special and amazing one day. I barely paid any attention to her but her praises made me feel a bit comfy from all the raucous treatment I would usually receive all day. Then a time came when she informed everyone that she was moving to England. I am talking about the late 90s and in those days we could not afford to buy a telephone even, let alone a PC with the Internet barely existing. I was too naive, at that time to realize that I needed to convey her a proper goodbye before her departure and this is the regret with which I live to this very day.
It was after her departure, I realized, how much valuable she was in my life. She believed that I was someone special even after I took it for granted that I am a loser. The worst thing is that in course of time, I forgot her name, her face but there was something which still remained inside of me- the way she made me feel when I was a no one. Additionally, the other only thing I remember is that she left for England.
I felt, I was the only one suffering from this phenomenon. I searched books on psychology, watched videos, not knowing what to do. I was nervous seeing a counselor because I was worried that my parents would suspect me of going crazy. I tried looking into our school old group photos but since I forgot her name and face, I wasn’t able to trace her in any way.
Meanwhile, a sense of responsibility emerged inside of me, I kept on saying to myself, if she wanted to see me as someone special, I needed to be one, in order to honor her memory inside of me. I promised upon my memory that I would build myself up to become someone special so that one day, some way upon hearing my name, she will feel proud that she was the girl behind my success.
I tried to make myself feel attracted towards other girls, thinking I may be able to move on but never a time emerged where I was able to visualize a girl I met over the Internet or the real world as my potential soulmate. I started to hate myself for not valuing her while she was still there beside me, though I know I was too young for those feelings back then.
In 2012, I took my A Levels exam but after setting my eyes on my disastrous grades, I felt as if there was no other meaning in my life to continue living. At that time, I rediscovered Islam, how I got to embrace it properly, is a tale for another day but that feeling of refinding the reason for my existence made me value myself once more. It was during 2013, I found my most popular initiative- The Weekly Khutbah.
I discovered I was able to write which was capable enough to inspire people around me. This sense of empowerment filled me up with a new form of zeal. I wanted to share my talent with this world, at the same time be loyal to my Almighty Lord as well. So this gave birth to my Islamic blog as well as other of my fictional writings.
But my lack of interest in other girls still persisted and whenever the people from my University asked me why I never felt like being in a relationship or felt attracted towards anyone, I would shove this question by saying that being in a relationship wasn’t permitted in our religion, thus avoiding the subject of the complicity of my psychology. But still, not feeling attracted towards any girl still troubled me. Inside of me, I kept saying myself that one day, when I become special she will get to remember my name and recall our times together.
I shared my problem to some of my female friends and of course initially they were like- “Can a person like this really exist?” “Any girl would want to have a loyal guy like you.” etc. But they also felt sorry for me accepting that though this was a sweet tale but it was something sad as well. Some of my friends even tried to make me meet up girls, I avoided that; some girls even gave signals that they liked me- this still continues to this day but still I never approach them.
In 2015, I finally found the psychological term behind my problem and it was indeed the weirdest way possible. It may sound as incredible but I actually found the definition of my internal pain through a Korean drama- She Was Pretty
The main protagonist of that K-drama was also suffering from this psychological effect, he was attached to the girl he admired in his past, someone who befriended him even though he was shammed for being too fat. There I came to know the name of my problem- The Zeigarnik effect.
Having found this new discovery, I relentlessly injected myself with heavy doses of research and in the end I came to realize of my problem in somewhat full scale. The main reason of my problem is that I have this feeling of regret for not seeing the completion of something which I missed back then- A PROPER GOODBYE. Since I missed valuing her even as she left me, it has left me with this sense of indebtedness which has been cringing inside of me ever since that day. Today just after a year of being a Finance Executive, I am already an Internal Auditor, a popular Islamic writer, holder of high distinction of my graduate program and I feel like she too has had an influence over my successes. Also a part of me still believes that one day we may even get to meet each other one day through fate but fear that we wouldn’t possibly recognize one another.
Conveying a proper goodbye would only exist in dramas, this is something too much to ask for in this real life. So how can I be free from this problem of mine?
I researched this as well and there are two possible solutions for me to move on:
- Finding a girl who would be similar to her, thus inspiring me like the way she inspired when I felt myself to be a loser.
- Finding a girl who would make me forget her and move on finding a new purpose to live for.
My female friends commented that the second option is the likable option since no girl would like to see themselves being compared to another.
As I end my account, I would like my readers to pray for me, I am searching for a spouse for me to move on. I feel like Allah made her come to my life so that I would be filled up with a kind of internal urge to continue live and progress in life as well as maintain my modesty with the opposite gender. Also Allah might have removed her from my life because it may be that she would hurt me one day and wanted me to preserve her as someone great in my memories.
My female friends also advised me to disclose this part of my life to my potential spouses saying a good understanding girl would surely appreciate my tale and thus I thought of sharing this with the world as I don’t feel ashamed of my past- everything happens for a reason as governed by the Almighty, and also because every wife deserves to know all about her husband.
Finally, since there is no restriction in Paradise, I wish to state-
It may be that we weren’t meant to see each other in this world any longer, perhaps we were fated to meet one another in the meadows of Heaven, smiling gleefully at one another, trying to gather up all our unspoken words over all these years, no longer restrained by time, regrets or goodbyes.